What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 02:41
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I will be 64.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Who then, do I blame.?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Have your parents ever walked in on you?
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When she asked me how she looked .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Especially a lifetime of it.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
How do flat Earthers explain the existence of other spherical planets?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was scared of men, in general
All the time i was locked up.
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And who doesn’t know suffering?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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Was to survive, this bastard.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Comes on , in middle age.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We all went to grammer schools
So, i spoilt her more .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I think the readers, may guess!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I don,t even have a pension.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And i lived it daily.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We were not on the streets..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I couldn’t, believe it.
She loved him until the end.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i do to all so called friends.?
But ive been too sick for many years..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It was going to be , some day.
She married twice! .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Would this be the day?
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I was 9 years of age.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But it wasn’t much.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She found it foreign!.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Put me off passion for life!!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I said to her
On the 31st of Jan this month .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I write beautiful poetry .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I never cut or harmed myself..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My life is so biszare .
He resisted the act ,that day.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was seconnd youngest,
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
This is soul school!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One cannot live in the past .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I have no regrets .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So whats the point in blame.
What did i know ?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I was very sick at this time too.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I could never make a relationship work though!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Ive learnt so much.
But, we were locked up after school.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im still living with it.
He knew the spot.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My family never makes their pension either.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I waited trembling.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was in good health!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She wouldn,t have been !